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I dropped my daughter off at school this morning and went to the tanning salon and as I was laying in the bed, I started thinking that I should start writing about my past and intertwine that with my daily journaling.  So, here we go – and I admit I’m a little nervous about bringing some stuff up because it’s very personal and a lot of it isn’t pleasant.  However, my past has what’s made me who I am today and despite having depression and anxiety, I’m a strong person with a big heart who has a thirst for success, happiness, and family.  It’s not easy to achieve because I’m holding myself back – or rather the anxiety and depression play a large part in holding me back.

One of my earliest memories was mentioned in my first blog post. The incident was so significant for me in that it was an indication that something was wrong with me.  I have memories from when I was very young but there are only a few really negative events that stand out in my mind that may have made my symptoms worse. Elementary school was okay but I was extremely shy and I never felt like I fit in.  I really don’t think I even started feeling normal until maybe 3-4 yrs ago.  Thirty five years is a long time to feel like you don’t fit in and to struggle with just trying to live a normal life.

When I was older and I think towards the very end of middle school, one of the neighbor girls who used to babysit my sister, brother and I, molested me.  She also stole my purse – but that’s not really significant although it does stand out in my mind – where she hid it, etc.  Anyway, if I remember correctly she was a teenager but I don’t remember her age.  We had a sleepover one night and she molested me.  I knew it wasn’t right but I was scared and confused.  I can’t remember if I told my mom or not but the girl didn’t babysit us for long after that.  I remember later that night, after it happened that I felt restless, or rather my legs did.  My knees used to hurt really bad and wake me up in the middle of the night.  I’m not sure if it was due to anxiety or growing pains or if I had what may now be referred to as RLS.

There was another molestation or almost being molested incidence that occurred.  I can’t remember how old I was but we went to North Carolina to visit my dad’s family.  We were at my grandmother’s house and all of the relatives were there.  My dad has a sister and 3 brothers.  I remember being in one of the bedrooms although I’m not sure why I went in there but someone walked into the room, turned off the light and shut the door.  The only thing I remember is standing there in the dark with this person I trusted in front of me and I think they may have been on their knees.  I don’t think anything happened though – I think someone knocked on the door.  That brief memory haunted me for years because I couldn’t see the persons face, I don’t know who it was.  I used the think about doing hypnotherapy so I could unblock those memories but I’ve just never done it out of fear.  I’ve been afraid that some really bad memories that I don’t even realize I have would come flooding back and I wouldn’t be able to recover from them.

Anyway, I think these are enough memories to share for today.  I’m exhausted and although I need to get some work done, I know this will be a tough couple of weeks with the new meds and I have to allow myself to just go with it and adjust so I think I’m going to play some relaxation music and close my eyes for a few minutes.  Maybe I will center my thoughts, take a short nap and prepare for the rest of the day.  If I try to move forward without resting then I’m going to be irritable and won’t get any quality work done anyway (that’s been my experience).

1.  Healthy food is too expensive.

2.  Stress!!!

3.  Work and other commitments take priority.

4.  Lack of support from loved ones.

5.  Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

What else?  What holds you back from getting healthy and staying that way?

This blog is dedicated to you – the individual who wants to get healthy, lose weight, and exercise. Well, perhaps you don’t really want to exercise but it is a necessary evil so you’re just going to have to accept it.  To get started, I want you to share your frustrations!  I will provide feedback and help you overcome those struggles by sharing information on weight training, exercise tips,and nutrition information, as well as guide you towards finding the time, motivation, and support you need to succeed.

I have one rule though~ the word diet is not in the vocabulary!  Maintaining a healthy lifestyle through exercise and proper nutrition is not about dieting but about making a lifestyle change.

The vision of darkness and an old rundown house with a small kitchen and living room has haunted me over the years.  Many other visions would come to mind but this was the first.  At the time I didn’t know because at the age of 3 or 4 – or was it 5? – That it would be the beginning of my lifelong struggle.

In that old house sometime in the early evening or perhaps a little later, who knows?  I was so young. I see my grandmother (in the kitchen I think), and my grandfather sitting on the couch.  In an instant and for reasons I can’t recall, my father comes in angry and hits my grandfather as he sat there on the couch.  My mother was there and I was there; so scared, so upset that I ran out the front door, leaned against my grandfathers old truck with my hands, wrapped my legs together like a pretzel and proceeded to release the anxiety by tensing up the muscles in my legs.  It’s not an easy position to try to envision and explain to someone but it’s something I would do often over the years; over the next 25 yrs to be exact.

Fast forward to today.  I am now 40 yrs old and I haven’t done that old habit of tensing up my legs in an awkward position for about 7 or 8 yrs.  I started getting really worried about it affecting my back and apparently grew out of it – although sometimes the urge is still there in very tense moments.

That instance – was a defining moment in my life and a sign of what was to come.  I have lived my life as an uphill battle, struggling with anxiety and depression.  I take that back – my life has been more like a serious of mental mudslides but I’ve never given up and even when I’ve been upset with God – I’ve always known he would take care of me and not let me give up.

Writing down my thoughts and my experiences is important to me.  I’ve thought about writing a book for as long as I can remember but I kept telling myself that no one would be interested in my story.  At the same time, I’ve wondered how many entrepreneurs out there suffer from anxiety or depression and how have they been able to manage their business?  Personally I’ve struggled since starting my business.

As I’m typing, I’m watching Charlie St. Cloud and watching the moment when he and the girl are in the cemetery, about to make love and it just brought tears to my eyes and I don’t know why. Well, I do know why – in part.  I’m in love with someone, my best friend but he doesn’t love me back.  I want magical moments with him and I want to create memories and explore possibilities with him but I can’t.  I feel a mixture of great joy having him in my life but a sense of great loss at the same time because I’m not able to show him how much I love him or show him how special he is.  Loving him is a miracle though and the second greatest test I think God has given me thus far in my life.  The first was my son who suffers from Asperger’s syndrome/autism spectrum disorder.  Because of this man I am a better person and without him I would not have started to tackled my depression when I did.  It’s quite possible he saved my life. As far as crying while watching the movie though, I cry at a lot of things – I cried at the Veterans Day Parade, I cry when reading sad stories sometimes.  I cry when I feel proud or when I feel like a failure.  Sometimes I don’t realize I’m depressed but then I cry and it hits me.  I cry because I want to do more in the world but I feel limited.  I believe I have a calling to help people but I still have not found my place and where I fit in and can do more to help others.  I have always had a nagging feeling that I can do great things and I’m meant to do something for others – it’s frustrating because I haven’t done it on the scale I want to.  Although as I’m sitting here typing, I wonder if I’m not giving enough credit to all of the times I have helped others and if perhaps each of those small situations make a difference.  Should I just keep doing what I have been doing and just help others when the opportunity arises rather than thinking I need to do something on a grander scale?  Hmmmm……I may have some more soul searching to do.

A big component of what I write will include my changes in diet and exercise and what happens when I stop either one.  What are the things we can take control of and make better?  How do we stay healthy when we are struggling with anxiety and depression?  How have these debilitating diseases affected my career and how, as a business owner have I adapted or not adapted?  Most importantly, how have I come to understand my strengths and weaknesses both personally and professionally?

Take a look through these guidelines for planning family meals and economizing on grocery store expenditures.

Grocery Coupon Tips

Of course one of the best ways to save money at the supermarket is by using printable grocery coupons. But there are some excellent ways to use coupons, and others that make no sense.

Plan your menus for the next couple of weeks or month before you start out for the grocery store. Then make a grocery list based on these menus. Only take along coupons that are connected with the required items. That way you will not be enticed to purchase anything unnecessary.

The printable grocery coupons you find online can be a great time saver. They allow you to find just the coupons you need in advance and print them out at home.

Although coupons can save the average family lots of money on groceries, not all coupons are of the same value. Do some careful comparison before using a coupon in preference to the cheaper store brand or another brand that might be on sale. You can always save the coupon for next time. The best situation is to find the article you are looking for on sale and use a coupon with it.

Sign Up With a Coupon Program

The practice of finding, cutting out, and saving coupons is nothing more than a time-draining chore, especially if you’re working all day or even if you’re a stay-at-home mom. Now there is an alternative to flipping through the Sunday paper inserts and spending hours going through the printed coupons available in your area.

Nowadays almost everything is done on the computer – from “running” errands to paying bills and even doing your grocery shopping. There are lots of sites where you can find a complete listing of all the printable coupons in your area, click to print them, and then easily use them at the grocery store. You just have to sign up, and scroll through the coupons, which are usually classified by type of product or service or specific store.

Maybe the only thing you can do about the American economy is to start saving money by using printable coupons you can easily find online. You and your family have to eat, after all, but you do not have to pay full price for your groceries.

It is really hard to keep track of the expiry dates of all the coupons you clip. Coupon organizers can help you in this. They help people to sort coupons by product, by category, or by expiration date. It will be very easy for you to locate a particular coupon if you use a coupon organizer.

Coupons are obtained from discount grocery stores, office supplies stores, or from websites. Different types of coupon organizers are available to suit the needs of individual collectors. Most coupon organizers will have labeled pockets or dividers to help you sort your coupons. Some high-end coupon organizers also feature a calculator, shopping list, notepad, or a calendar. It is best if a coupon organizer is made of plastic or thick cardboard so that it remains intact in a purse.

You can even make your own coupon organizers using a stack of envelopes and labeling them. You need to alphabetize the envelopes and store them in a small container. Make sure you go through your coupons before you go shopping for groceries.